The Bleeding Heart is Disconnected

I think the hardest part of my abuse, to tell, is the rape. It was like I was there and then I wasn't. It was like time moved at the speed of light yet was so slow I was moving through mud. I was trying to process the moment and yet trying to hide from it all over again. I was disconnected. My mind trying to process me into a different world. Anywhere but here. Anywhere but now. What he's saying to me. I am not hearing but remembering. What he is doing to me, I do not feel. I am numb. I am not here. I don't want to be here. This is not real. Unfortunately, it is real. Unfortunately, I am here. I will do anything to keep my mind lost at this moment. I must be disconnected to survive.